Friday, March 23, 2012

forum post about weed and painkillers

ok. Painkillers. uhg. Opiate painkillers. I have been on them for at least 2 months now. before I went to the hospital I already had a pretty big tolerence which sucked because trying to get proper pain management in a hospital with an opiate tolerence is shitty. they will come in give you 1 mg of diladid. or hydromorphone. a very strong pain killer. which when I was in there at the age of 16 for getting my appendix out would have me fucked up and do wonders for the pain. now. when I was in the hospital it took 2 to 2.5 mg to get good pain relief. Because of my tolerence they put me on a pain pump. I had a little button that would release .2 mg of the drug hydromorphone every 6 min. if I press it inbetween the 6 min it would not do anything. so it was every 6 min. I would literally keep pressing it till it worked. then look at the clock see when It allowed the drug to be released and just wait for 6 min and press again. I would do this untill I was pain free. which the pain pump was not all that great. expessially if I would fall asleep. because then I would wake up with no painkillers in me. in really bad pain. and have to wait about an hour to get to 2 mg of the drug. waiting 6 min. to press the button for the small .2 mg dose of the drug to be released. I was sent home with 40 pills. 40 10 mg/325 mg pills. 10 mg of oxycodone. 325 mg of tylenol. that is what each pill consisted of. I took my last ones last night. when the buzz from those wore off {just to add in, I am not really. self honestly. in enough pain to be on opiate painkillers anymore.} I then searched my room for bits of weed to put into my bowl. I did not want to come down. lol. I even took more of my anti anxiety meds than I should. I took 2.5 mg of that last night. which is way more than I should take. if I was using it as a medication and using as perscribed. I am perscribed .5 mg twice a day as needed. so I am really only suppossed to take a mg a day if I am going to take it. the medication I am using for that is called klonopin. I actually mixed it with the painkillers to potentiate there effects. So I am just writing about this shit because I don't want to take painkillers anymore and I see that I have thoughts about them and have had thoughts about buying them illegally. and know I can find them. but I do not want to go through that. I am done with them. I currently have no choice really. I have none left. So yeah. as far as addiction goes opiates are not cool. I really hope I do not have withdrawles but I think that If I was going to I would already be having them or that they are so subtle that It is not going to be anything major to worry or be concerned about. 

When I was smoking weed. I got to a point were I was smoking lots. somtimes a half ounce in a week. which for me. is allot. I would get high grade weed, like very potent weed. Eventually I wanted more. I had experienced some amazing euphoria when using painkillers and had known that I could get some so i did. I actually would go to the hospital to get them. the er. Which I did have stomach pain. but not to the point were I needed these strong painkillers. So thats how I got started with them. There were two times when I went out of town, drove an hour away, just to get some painkillers. I would spend about 160$ each time I would do that. which was only two times. but still. thats allot of fucking money. and the pills I got, I learned that the bioavailability of taking them orally was about 10% and snorting them was around 50%. So I started snorting these pills I bought from out of town. They were extreemly strong. I was ignoring my physical body to get high. my nose was dryed up on both sides. I even went out and bought a saline nasal spray so that my nose would not start bleeding when snorting them and also to increase the absorbsion of the pill into my nose and sinuses. So yeah. im here now no pot. no painkillers. I want to continue to not do either. I am happyer without them. it is only when I am dishonest with myself that I begin to become secretive and obsess in secrete about these drugs and feel ashamed that I desire to use them. I found out with cigs that if I just speak about it out loud it helps me to get past the cravings. its been over a year now since I quit cigs and still have not smoked one. I would be with friends and say "damn im craving a cig right now " and they would just be like "don't do it dude" I would respond and say "I am just saying it out loud. I don't want to hide it. " So in that I am exposing that I still want or desire it. its like . making sure the mind does not have it as a secrete. so that I do not then obsess over it. It just feels good to expose it. to not hide the fact that I desire it. Right now. I don't want to smoke a cig. I want to smoke pot. and I want painkillers. more so the painkillers. if I had a choice over weed or painkillers I would pick painkillers. The thing about the weed though is that it simply just sounds so much better in my mind than physically doing it. Just like cigarettes. its the same way. Painkillers though. the feeling you can get from them is euforic and very pleasurable. its like your whole body gets warm and you get numb. but the question is would I rather be numb to the world and just plesure myself or do I want to live not just for myself but for all. When I do drugs I am not considering what I am physically doing. I am only concentrated on the consequesnces which is getting high. So now. I stop . I will not allow myself to keep doing drugs.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Walk the Walk dont TALK the Walk because if you TALK the Walk you never actually WALK

So I have found an interesting point. If I talk about somthing that I am implementing within my daily life I have a lesser chance of actually doing it. Now if I say somthing like I talk to my mom and tell her I am going to do the dishes and clean my bathroom I will do it, but I dont talk about doing it I state  that I am going to do it. Lol. Everyone knows the old saying actions speak louder than words, so oviously there is inequality there. We do not stand equally with our words, therefor to live with real integrity we must live as our words equal to them. That way we can actually be trusted by ourselfs and others, once you trust yourself you can then trust others as yourself. An example of not living words would be if a smoker says "this is going to be my last pack of cigarettes, I am going to cut down and then quit" and then they just go out and buy another pack when they run out. So in that they have lost trust in themselfs and others because they did not actually live there words which makes there words meaningless. An example of living words would be saying " I am going to get all of my daily chores done" and then getting all of your daily chores done. Or "this is my last cigarette, after this no more", that is a statement of mine I have stood by and am living those words every day. That was my first youtube video it was called "last cigarette first vlog.". It has been more than 2 months since I had made that decision and am glad I made it. That was were I started off, and is interesting because that is considered to be a 'big' decision but I was able to stop through self honesty, self forgiveness.

                      So if one is equal to there words one becomes the living word! Lazyness.... this has been an interesting point for me and has been somthing that is always that thing in the background for me, the choice to be lazy. But I realize now that when one is lazy one is just putting off the inevitable, for example doing the dishes. "I will just do the dishes later" Why later? Why not now? "I just dont FEEL like it right now" are you going to feel  like it later? lol. So its just putting off the inevitable and actually can accumulate resistance to the point you are being lazy towards. So best to face shit head on and get it done, this is what I have found to be most effective. So Walk the WALK! and if you talk make sure you walk that talk and dont just talk talk just so you can put off the inevitable.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011


So I was out longbording today, I went down a fast hill with a skinny turn and bailed out and smashed my face on a pole. So it was interesting, I ended up breaking a tooth in half and busting my lip, and chiping my 2 front teeth. I have to get a 2 root canals, and I have to get 2 implants, and on crown. Ok so I want to talk about how I felt, after it happened I was shocked, I was going about 20 miles per hour so it was quite an impact. I started saying " WHAT  THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK!" and then I saw a peice of tooth on the ground and was like FUCK! thats when I started to get bummed out about my teeth, I give value to my teeth and how they look, I have always had straight 'perfect' teeth. So I rode back towards town and was bleeding alot spitting out blood and ok I am just going to talk about my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I had back chat 'fuck now no girl is going to want me', 'fuck I am fucked' I actually found myself quite stable within this experince which was cool. I got kindof depressed when I went into the doctor to get cleaned up. And when I was about to go in for an emergency dental thing I was with my mom and I was feeling very bummed and upset. I started crying, I was angry at myself for allowing myself to put myself into this situation. It was interesting because I realize now that I am the only one to blame for anything that happens to me. But I started crying and I said "Im just upset because of this, I am also upset because you have to pay a shit load of money because I fucked up." Then she told me its only going to cost a little bit because we have insurance. So it was an interesting day, I fucked my face up bad  but it will heal and I am getting my teeth fixed, you live and you learn, I could be pissed right now and trying to look back at were I could have done somthing diferent but I would rather remain here and go with the flow because it is what it is. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself into a situation were I can be harmed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be depressed because my teeth got fucked up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for accepting and allowing myself to put myself into this situation.
I will no longer accept and allow myself to hang out with 'friends' who are not supporting themselfs and living towards a solution, and living to change the system, living to bring about a world that is best for all. I will not allow myself to use the excuse of needing someone to enjoy myself with.
I really wanted to just have a fun time today, I need to find some other hobbies that are less dangerous : P .
I am actually very lucky because if I would have hit my head I would most likely be in the hospitol or dead, but the whole impact was taken by my teeth and a little by my chin. I actually looked at the pole and saw were my teeth chiped the paint off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to beleive that I must have perfect teeth in order to have a relationship with a women.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am fucked as far as my apperence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give worth to how good my teeth look or others.

Its funny because this has showed me alot, alot of points about apperence and how much worth is given to it. I forgive myself that I have accepted and alllowed myself to think that I am fucked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my teeth a value based on self interest and based on what I define as 'a perfect smile'
I will remain here in and as breath and will direct myself in this situation and will not accept or allow myself to be angry or depressed about my apperence.

I remember saying after this "I am just really bummed because I have always had perfect teeth, that is something I have always had and now there fucked." I was soooo bummed out. My parents have always told me how lucky I am to have straight perfect teeth and how lucky I am to not have to get braces and how I have a perfect smile. And it has been like engrained within me to give value and worth to my teeth and how 'perfect' they are. Interesting ok I am done with this for now, more to come on this point.