ok. Painkillers. uhg. Opiate painkillers. I have been on them for at least 2 months now. before I went to the hospital I already had a pretty big tolerence which sucked because trying to get proper pain management in a hospital with an opiate tolerence is shitty. they will come in give you 1 mg of diladid. or hydromorphone. a very strong pain killer. which when I was in there at the age of 16 for getting my appendix out would have me fucked up and do wonders for the pain. now. when I was in the hospital it took 2 to 2.5 mg to get good pain relief. Because of my tolerence they put me on a pain pump. I had a little button that would release .2 mg of the drug hydromorphone every 6 min. if I press it inbetween the 6 min it would not do anything. so it was every 6 min. I would literally keep pressing it till it worked. then look at the clock see when It allowed the drug to be released and just wait for 6 min and press again. I would do this untill I was pain free. which the pain pump was not all that great. expessially if I would fall asleep. because then I would wake up with no painkillers in me. in really bad pain. and have to wait about an hour to get to 2 mg of the drug. waiting 6 min. to press the button for the small .2 mg dose of the drug to be released. I was sent home with 40 pills. 40 10 mg/325 mg pills. 10 mg of oxycodone. 325 mg of tylenol. that is what each pill consisted of. I took my last ones last night. when the buzz from those wore off {just to add in, I am not really. self honestly. in enough pain to be on opiate painkillers anymore.} I then searched my room for bits of weed to put into my bowl. I did not want to come down. lol. I even took more of my anti anxiety meds than I should. I took 2.5 mg of that last night. which is way more than I should take. if I was using it as a medication and using as perscribed. I am perscribed .5 mg twice a day as needed. so I am really only suppossed to take a mg a day if I am going to take it. the medication I am using for that is called klonopin. I actually mixed it with the painkillers to potentiate there effects. So I am just writing about this shit because I don't want to take painkillers anymore and I see that I have thoughts about them and have had thoughts about buying them illegally. and know I can find them. but I do not want to go through that. I am done with them. I currently have no choice really. I have none left. So yeah. as far as addiction goes opiates are not cool. I really hope I do not have withdrawles but I think that If I was going to I would already be having them or that they are so subtle that It is not going to be anything major to worry or be concerned about.
When I was smoking weed. I got to a point were I was smoking lots. somtimes a half ounce in a week. which for me. is allot. I would get high grade weed, like very potent weed. Eventually I wanted more. I had experienced some amazing euphoria when using painkillers and had known that I could get some so i did. I actually would go to the hospital to get them. the er. Which I did have stomach pain. but not to the point were I needed these strong painkillers. So thats how I got started with them. There were two times when I went out of town, drove an hour away, just to get some painkillers. I would spend about 160$ each time I would do that. which was only two times. but still. thats allot of fucking money. and the pills I got, I learned that the bioavailability of taking them orally was about 10% and snorting them was around 50%. So I started snorting these pills I bought from out of town. They were extreemly strong. I was ignoring my physical body to get high. my nose was dryed up on both sides. I even went out and bought a saline nasal spray so that my nose would not start bleeding when snorting them and also to increase the absorbsion of the pill into my nose and sinuses. So yeah. im here now no pot. no painkillers. I want to continue to not do either. I am happyer without them. it is only when I am dishonest with myself that I begin to become secretive and obsess in secrete about these drugs and feel ashamed that I desire to use them. I found out with cigs that if I just speak about it out loud it helps me to get past the cravings. its been over a year now since I quit cigs and still have not smoked one. I would be with friends and say "damn im craving a cig right now " and they would just be like "don't do it dude" I would respond and say "I am just saying it out loud. I don't want to hide it. " So in that I am exposing that I still want or desire it. its like . making sure the mind does not have it as a secrete. so that I do not then obsess over it. It just feels good to expose it. to not hide the fact that I desire it. Right now. I don't want to smoke a cig. I want to smoke pot. and I want painkillers. more so the painkillers. if I had a choice over weed or painkillers I would pick painkillers. The thing about the weed though is that it simply just sounds so much better in my mind than physically doing it. Just like cigarettes. its the same way. Painkillers though. the feeling you can get from them is euforic and very pleasurable. its like your whole body gets warm and you get numb. but the question is would I rather be numb to the world and just plesure myself or do I want to live not just for myself but for all. When I do drugs I am not considering what I am physically doing. I am only concentrated on the consequesnces which is getting high. So now. I stop . I will not allow myself to keep doing drugs.
